The Encyclopedia of Exes Read online

  When Russell called to say that he was engaged to marry, Stefan thought it was a mistake. Kelly was Russell’s first real girlfriend since Leslie. She was small and blond and very serious. Stefan warned his friend not to make a rash decision. Russell said that he was in love.

  The wedding was at a country club in Massachusetts. Stefan posed in the pictures as a groomsman. He was surprised that he was not the best man and decided that Russell had deferred to Kelly on the decision. At the reception, Russell cried into a microphone and announced drunkenly that he had never imagined such happiness.

  After that, the two friends drifted. Russell had two sons fairly quickly and then a surprise, a girl, five years later. They moved to Tenafly, New Jersey, and Russell began commuting into the city. He was pleased with the adult details of his life. He bought his coffee from a Yemeni man every morning and they began to exchange greetings. On the train, Russell read the paper from cover to cover and was usually the most informed person in any room in which he found himself.

  Stefan traveled. He rented apartments in several different cities and then settled in San Francisco. He met Lisa at a party. She was tall and dark and wore a dress with a low-cut back. She was English and they had traveled to many of the same places. She knew the names of restaurants and hotels he had forgotten. She had this way, when they spoke, of letting her gaze range across the room as if she had not yet decided he was worthy of her full attention.

  He liked to tell friends that their decision to get married was more of a negotiation than a proposal. “She methodically closed off all means of escape,” he would say, “until we were planning, hypothetically of course, what sort of flowers we’d have at the wedding.” They had two children, both of whom adored their father. Within four years of marriage, Stefan put on twenty-two pounds. He installed an exercise room in the basement to little or no effect and was saved only by the fact that he could afford well-cut clothes.

  When he traveled on business, Stefan found himself looking up girls he had known in high school. He met them for drinks and discussed old times. He slept with one, Lianna, in the sixth year of his marriage. Lianna was two years younger and confessed that she had adored him in high school. She had once called his house and hung up when he answered. He found himself ridiculously flattered. As she slept beside him in his hotel bed, he lay awake planning how he would extricate himself in the morning. He thought he was capable of working up confused tears if necessary. In the morning, however, he discovered that she wanted just as little from him. She even proposed he meet her husband the next time he came through town. It was not until he was on the plane that Stefan realized Lianna’s invitation was as insincere as it was unlikely he would ever take it up. Far above the middle of the country he decided he was fine with what he had done—as long as he never engaged in an affair in the same city where he lived, there was no harm done. That night when he arrived home, he picked up his children and carried them to bed. He returned to the living room and watched Lisa reading on the couch. He walked over to her and pressed her back and undid her clothing. As he made love to her, she kissed the side of his face and gasped in his ear that she loved him.

  What more could I ask for? he wondered. He told her that he loved her, too.

  Twelve years had passed before Russell contacted Stefan to tell him he was in San Francisco for business and wanted to take his old friend out for dinner. They met in a Tex-Mex restaurant in the Castro. The woman who took their order wore a short skirt and gun belts with shot glasses where there should have been bullets and a bottle of tequila in each holster.

  “You have become a fat bastard, haven’t you?” said Russell after they had ordered.

  “I like to think of it as an executive paunch,” said Stefan with a broad smile, although he had thought he was looking thinner. “And you’ve begun to lose your hair.”

  “Not yet,” said Russell fingering his scalp tentatively. Neither man had lost his ambiguous mid-Atlantic accent. They drank several beers and swapped stories and reminiscences. Stefan even had the holster girl come over and pour them each a shot. After a while they felt close again despite all that they had not witnessed in each other’s lives.

  After flan, Russell asked, “Are you happy with your life?”

  “Yes, I am,” said Stefan thoughtfully. “I think so.”

  “You and Lisa? You’re happy?”

  Stefan shrugged in a thoughtful way. “Yeah. I guess so. You?”

  “Sure,” said Russell.

  “How do you mean ‘sure’?”

  “I don’t know. Kelly and me. . . .” He shook his head. “When I was eighteen I was making love to Leslie on a beach in Tunisia. I live in New Jersey now.” He shrugged. “Just regular midlife crisis stuff, I guess. Sometimes it occurs to me though, we’ve probably lived longer than we’ve got left. You know that? And it seems sometimes that the best things have already happened.”

  They drank and then Stefan looked up and smiled wickedly at Russell. “You want to hear something pretty good?” asked Stefan. “You can’t tell a soul. You understand?”

  “Sure,” said Russell.

  “Do you remember Aimee Pender?”

  “Of course. My God. She was beautiful.”

  “She still is. I bumped into her in the fall.”

  Russell studied his friend’s self-satisfied expression. “What do you mean ‘bumped into her’?”

  “I got her number, I don’t know how, and I called her just to say hello.”

  “And she remembered you?”

  Stefan raised his eyebrow. “Apparently she remembered me fondly.”

  Russell looked genuinely shocked. “You didn’t . . . Aimee Pender . . . ? Tell me everything.”

  “We talked over the phone a few times and got along well and then it turned out we would both be in New York for business around the same time.”

  “My God.”

  “I tell you what. I’ve never worked out harder in my life.” Russell laughed. “I could tell she was still really beautiful. Just from the sound of her voice. I even scheduled a business trip to Mexico on the way so that I had the advantage of a tan.”

  “And?”

  “And we spent a week together in her hotel.”

  “Does Lisa know?”

  “Do I look like an idiot? Why would I tell her? Aimee said she was going to leave her husband. And I thought about it. I really did. I lay there thinking of what I’d miss about Lisa. All I could come up with was that we were a good team. We have the same taste. There’s much more than that, of course, but you know, to be honest, the real reason I would never leave Lisa has nothing to do with her. It’s the kids. I couldn’t imagine having that conversation with my kids. That’s the honest truth.”

  “Did it come between you and Lisa?”

  “Aimee? No. I think it was good for us.”

  They were silent for a few moments. Russell was deep in thought.

  “So, are you in touch with Leslie?” asked Stefan.

  “No. She lives in Chicago. I hear she’s married with kids.” Russell smiled sheepishly. “You want to hear something ridiculous?” He gestured at his cell phone on the table. “I’ve got her number saved in my phone. I’ve never called it though.”

  “Let me see that,” said Stefan.

  Russell handed him his cell phone and Stefan scrolled through the numbers. There it was: Leslie. Stefan smiled. He held out a finger and hit the call button. Russell was immediately on his feet trying to get the phone back, but Stefan was so much bigger than Russell now, he hardly had a chance.

  The phone rang and rang. It seemed she wasn’t going to answer and then she did. “Hello . . . Leslie? You’re never going to guess who this is . . . ? It’s Stefan Boyle, how the hell are you . . . ? I’m great . . . San Francisco. But listen, I’m sitting here with someone who’d love to talk to you.” Stefan held out the phone and Russell took it.

  “Hello . . . ? Hey, Leslie.” Russell’s face lit up. He picked up the phone and stood. H
e fought off Stefan’s halfhearted effort to hold him there and walked outside with the phone. Stefan ordered two more beers and paid the bill.

  When Russell returned he wore a broad smile. He sat down and took a swig of beer.

  “Well?” asked Stefan.

  “It was good to talk to her. She sounds good. The next time I’m in Chicago for business we might have a drink.” He smiled and then punched Stefan in the arm. “You prick. I can’t believe you did that,” he said. “Thanks.”

  Two weeks passed. Stefan and Lisa took a holiday in Napa. It was their first holiday without the children and there was an ominous, imposing silence from the backseat for most of the drive. That night at dinner, Lisa had too much wine and became upset. She said that she and Stefan had no idea what to talk about without the children around. Stefan was caught completely off guard and looked at her blankly. “You see?” she asked. “We barely know each other and if we don’t know each other, how do we know if we even like each other?”

  “It’s the wine,” said Stefan.

  “It’s not the fucking wine,” she said. People were looking at them.

  He took a different tack. “Well, of course it feels strange to be away without the kids,” he said. “How are we supposed to feel?” He thought, but did not say, and how often are we actually going to be alone like this anyway? They were so busy in their lives they always had something to say when they caught a few minutes at the beginning and end of their days. Why should they expect to be constantly full of important things to say to each other? “Even if we’re not talking all the time, I still feel close to you,” he said.

  The next morning, Lisa apologized and retracted most of what she had said, but it left a pall over the long weekend and they returned home with the sense that they were glad it was over. It was disconcerting.

  Stefan stayed late at the office catching up for most of the following week. One night, he received a call from Russell. He sounded upset.

  “What is it?” asked Stefan.

  “You’re not going to believe this.”

  “What?”

  “I’m in Chicago. I’m in my hotel room and Leslie’s in the bathroom. She’s fucking beautiful, Stefan. I’m about five minutes from cheating on my wife. My heart is pounding out of my chest. What am I doing here? I’m drunk, too. Oh God, I should just get out of here.” He was sitting on the edge of the bed with the phone pressed against his ear, rubbing his forehead and staring at the floor.

  “Take it easy Russell. Relax. It’s Leslie, for God’s sake. You know her. It’s not a big deal unless you make it one. Just don’t get carried away.”

  “You’re right. You’re right,” said Russell. He exhaled loudly into the phone. “Thanks.” He looked up to get his bearings. His things were all around: a picture frame with pictures of his kids sat on the nightstand. He felt obscene. “Oh Christ. I don’t know if I can do this.”

  “If you can’t enjoy it, you should just get out of there.”

  “I know,” said Russell. “You’re right.” That’s what he would do, he decided; he’d get out of there. He heard the sound of the door going. “Listen, she’s coming out. I got to go.”

  Russell hung up and was on his feet. He wheeled around to face her. She was standing in the doorway fiddling with the belt she wore around her dress. She smiled shyly. He felt a great surge of tenderness for her. He didn’t need to be afraid. He could say anything to this person. She knew him completely. She had known him when he was a child.

  “Leslie,” he began. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too,” she said.

  “I don’t know what we’re doing here. I’m married.”

  She came down and sat on the edge of the bed with her back to him. “I know,” she said. “Maybe I should go.”

  He stood there staring at the back of her. He wanted to touch her hair. He made an almost conscious decision to let the desire wash over him, to see what that would feel like, and once he had, he watched the feeling grow until he was sure that to touch her hair right now was the greatest desire he’d ever known. He walked over and sat beside her. He ran his hand down her neck and let her hair slide off his wrist. She turned and looked at him. She moved toward him and opened her lips. He was overwhelmed by the familiar smell of her; it was the smell of love, and dark streets, and promise and the parks of his faraway youth and everything that once felt so new and now felt so faded.

  Stefan heard nothing from Russell for several days. Finally, Stefan decided to call and ask what had happened. Russell was busy and distracted. He sounded like a different man from the one Stefan had spoken to a few days before.

  “So?”

  “What do you mean ‘so’? I had you on the phone the other day almost having a heart attack.”

  “Yeah. Sorry about that.”

  “What happened?”

  “It happened.”

  “And how do you feel?”

  “It was fucking great, Stef.”

  “I’m happy for you. Was she okay? Leslie, I mean. You left each other okay?”

  “Yeah. I don’t think she’s very happy though. Her marriage sounds terrible. She’s married to some animal commodity trader. The way she talked about him, he’s practically never been out of the Midwest; it doesn’t sound as if he really understands her at all. Poor Leslie.”

  “There has to be something there, or else, why’d she marry him? Leslie wasn’t the kind to be bullied into anything.”

  “I guess not.”

  “So what now? How’d you leave it?”

  “I told her I’d look her up next time I was in Chicago.”

  “Are you going to?”

  “I guess so.”

  “It might not be a good idea, Russell.”

  “You know, she doesn’t even work or anything. She’s just stuck there in the suburbs. She cried when I left, Stefan. Remember what she was like? She wasn’t like that. It’s not the right life for her. She was great.”

  For the next few months, Russell traveled to Chicago almost every other week. Stefan was the only person Russell could talk to about the affair, and so he tended to call from the departure lounge on the way home. At first, they made jokes. Stefan asked what Leslie had learned in terms of making love and Russell joked along with him. At other times Russell was tipsy and emotional. He grew serious and wistful and talked about how miserable Leslie was. “I love her,” he told Stefan late one evening sitting in O’Hare. “I’ve never stopped loving her in a way. Not the way I love my wife or my kids, but I love her.” He looked around at the other commuters and the retirees waiting to board their flight. “What else is there to say?”

  “Don’t get carried away,” warned Stefan.

  The next time Russell called, Stefan was at home watching television with his children. Russell sounded ecstatic. Stefan had his daughter hang up and took the call in the kitchen. “I want you to talk to someone,” Russell said. There was a pause and then Leslie’s voice came on the phone.

  “Hey, Stef,” she said.

  “Hey. What are you guys doing?”

  “You want me to?” Leslie asked Russell. The response was inaudible and then Leslie came back on the phone. “You ready for this?”

  “Ready for what?”

  “We’re getting married, Stefan.”

  “Are you kidding?”

  “Why not be happy in this life?” she responded. “We should have been married to each other, all along. Should of? Who knows? But we love each other. We know that. Russell’s going to tell Kelly and I’m going to tell my husband.”

  “When?”

  “Tomorrow. We want you to be the best man. It’s all thanks to you. Will you?”

  “Of course I will,” said Stefan. “Congratulations. Can I talk to Russell?”

  Russell came over and picked up the phone. He was wrapped in a towel at the waist and was still hot from a shower. He watched Leslie slowly get dressed across the room.

  “Jesus Christ, Russell,” said Stefan. />
  “I’m happy,” said Russell. “I’m really happy.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yes. More sure than anything.”

  “Well, I don’t know what to say . . . Congratulations . . . I think.”

  Russell hung up. He walked over and kissed Leslie. She was wearing only a skirt and a bra. She curled his wet hair over his ear. “I love you,” he said.

  Stefan went back to the living room and stood in the doorway watching his family stretched out in front of the television. He crossed the room to collect the four ice cream bowls and Lisa snapped at him to get out of the way of the movie. In the kitchen, Stefan scooped himself a second serving of ice cream. He felt annoyed with Russell and he didn’t know why; and then he realized that he was jealous.

  Russell rehearsed what he planned to say to his wife on the flight from O’Hare to Newark. He rehearsed it also in the car on the turnpike. He thought he was going to be sick when he turned off at the exit. He reminded himself of all the great artists who had hurt people in pursuit of the life they wanted. There was a difference, he told himself, between selfishness and cruelty. He was not cruel. He would give Kelly everything.

  He was surprised to find so many cars in his driveway. It took him a moment to recognize his brother’s car and Kelly’s parents’ car. He saw his brother striding towards him from the house.

  “Hey!” said Russell brightly. He saw his father-in-law appear in the doorway of the house. “What’s going on?”

  “Russ,” said his brother Matt. “Don’t bluff. Leslie’s husband called Kelly a couple of hours ago.”

  “Holy shit,” said Russell. Now he really was in danger of being sick. He allowed Matt to lead him inside. He put his bag down on the hallway floor. He had the thought that he could just pick it up again and walk out but then he saw Kelly sitting on the couch in the living room. Her father sat down beside her as if he were her lawyer. Kelly’s face was pale and blotchy and he knew she had been crying. He knew also that she had cleaned herself up and had no intention of crying in front of him.